Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Hey, girl, you know you drive me crazy
one look puts the rhythm in my hand.
Still I'll never understand why you hang around
I see what's going down.
Cover up with makeup in the mirror
tell yourself, it's never gonna happen again
you cry alone and then he swears he loves you.
Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.
A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect
every action in this world will bear a consequence
If you wade around forever, you will surely drown
I see what's going down.
I see the way you go and say you're right again,
say you're right again
heed my lecture
Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.
Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt", she said,
"I finally had enough."[x2]
One day she will tell you that she has had enough
it's coming round again.
Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.[x2]
Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt", she said,
"I finally had enough."
***

Nakakatuwa yung lyrics, especially the ones in bold. Brings me back to my forgotten days of lovelorn with a certain girl named jenny. Hahaha. Shaddap Francis, Benzon and Lovely. Wahahahahahahaha.

Sunday Morning Post

Love.

Oh sweet love. Everyone wants it. Poems and songs are patterned to imitate it. Valentine's was created for it. Movies, TV shows, stories tried to interpret it. Yet love remains elusive, at least elusive enough to remain away from one's understanding, in similar fashion a butterfly hovers near gleeful watchers but far enough from one's intention to capture it. We all want to understand this most mysterious thing. Even science stepped into the picture, using "crude" attempts such as psychology and biology to define what love is. In the midst of technology and the liberal arts, with a shallow touch of tradition, the enigma of love stood, untouched and misunderstood- as always.

In hopes of comprehending what love is, people came up with a vast collection of terms, just to explain this "queasy yet enjoyable feeling." In came romance, infatuation, fate & destiny, and the inevitable true love. Quotes, mottos, idioms were written to support these fabrications and surprisingly enough, the majority actually believed all these. Theories were formulated, ideas were conceived, and fairy tales were confused with facts. All of a sudden, the world has become one, big love story, a teleserye bound to incite goosebumps on the hopeless romantics all around.

Such hallucinations may benefit a world ravaged by the twists and turns of an evolving society, a new opium to which men can turn to in times of depression. Of course, like any other drug, an overdose of "love" has its own life-altering, mind-boggling effects, effects which can worsen the problems already established by the pangs of reality. Perhaps the media has influenced us way too much that we can no loger distinguish fact from fiction. Or we crave too much for that "queasy yet enjoyable feeling" to the point of addiction and dependecy.

Ok, the above paragraph may be exaggerated, but I assure you the exaggerations were limited to a minimum. We all want love in our lives, for it is the only thing we can turn to, the one side that will never betray us. To survive in a shackled existence, we have to cling on to the sturdiest foundation we can think of. There is a risk to depending on intangibles however, the most familiar being the state of delusion in which we look for facets of fiction in our way of living. This may not be as intense or as relevant as political conflicts, celebrity fist fights or small/large scale wars but it does greatly affect a person's perception. Since no two people have the same perceptional makeup, this leads to varying (and dare I say, adverse) intrapersonal and interpersonal effects. As a result, we have political conflicts, celebrity fist fights and small/large scale wars. All because we wanted to define love.

Unfortunately (and obviously), we can't force oursleves to dump our misguided concepts of love. The best thing we can do is to remain aware and bound to the ground, with the knowledge that love is not meant to be measured, comprehended nor understood.

Innocence Redefined (repost)

Writer's block. Go figure. Engoy nostalgia.
*****

Lexicon Webster’s defines innocence as the state of being “free from guilt, knowing nothing of evil, naïve or simple-minded, harmless, benign and in a rhetorical sense, devoid.” Such a positive description for a word, which, in the same context as love & hate, connotes several meanings, results in fixing the perception of the majority on innocence as anything but bad. When a young child shatters an expensive jar he doesn’t receive the same punishment a mature child gets for breaking the same jar, since the young child after all doesn’t know what he is doing compared to the mature one. This type of innocence is naïveté. On the other hand conventional innocence speaks of a person proven to be not guilty in a trial accusing him of murder. Through these examples, one can infer that innocence saves you from punishment, criticism and to an extremity, condemnation. This kind of belief is known as the “Pontius Pilate mentality,” derived from the New Testament politician who sentenced Jesus Christ to death. In the Bible, Pilate believed that Christ did no wrong as opposed to the high priests who accused him of blasphemy. Still, in fear of the crowd, Pilate “unwillingly” condemned Jesus, and then washed his hands so as to say to everyone including God that he was not responsible for Jesus’ death. However, after Christ rose from the dead and has sent the apostles to all ends of the world, Pontius Pilate became known all over as the one who put Jesus to death.What then, does this say about innocence? In this age when the truth can easily be manipulated with a snap of a finger, the last thing you may want to happen is to have yourself proven guilty for a crime you did not (or did) commit. Because of this, people tend to abuse their innocence in more ways than one. You bear witness to secretive drug dealing between two students in your school, but for fear of being involved or for no reason at all, you kept silent thinking that there’s no wrong in being quiet about it; as the weeks ensued, the school found out that half of your classmates have been doing drugs so ALL of them were expelled. You cheated on your mathematics examination yet it was your seatmate (who was the unwary victim of your cheating) who was punished by the faculty; still you persisted you had nothing to do with it so your seatmate was suspended. It was New Year’s Eve and you lit up your fireworks then threw them at a dark corner so as to welcome the new year; when the fireworks exploded everyone heard a scream as an old man got his limbs amputated due to the explosions, still you claim you did no wrong as you did not know there was a person walking on that corner. Yes, these scenes are downright ugly and further abuse of innocence can do things worse than the cited examples. While both wrong naïveté and deception of the “guiltless” can cause serious damage, it is the other kind that’s the most dangerous. This kind of innocence is known the world over as indifference- the feeling of nothing, the sin Pilate committed. If there is something God hates more than committing sin, it’s refusing to do good acts. Had you told the teachers about the drug dealing, then your classmates would have been spared from the expulsion and the effects of drugs. Had you called the police when you saw your neighbor beating up his wife, she wouldn’t have been killed. The danger of being indifferent and “innocent” is that one person is bound to suffer; in the same way the complainant grieves as the suspect is found “not guilty.”I’m not saying however that innocence leads to evil, as it is up to the person on how he uses it. It is of vital importance therefore that one should not remain indifferent to the needs of others. After all, one man’s innocence is another man’s casualty.

women

WARNING: Anti-femminist thougts ahead. Well, not quite. But I believe femme-fatales may find the following post as offensive and highly atrocious. So, kudos to them. hehe.

****

Women. No word can aptly define these mysterious figures. Yet, we men (note the homophone) find ourselves stuggling hard to have one of these in our possession, and eventually falling for them. Throughout history, we saw these "2nd-class citizens" contribute to the downfall of the greatest men to have ever lived. In the Bible, we saw the first man Adam fall out of grace when Eve partook of the forbidden fruit. Later in the Old Testament, Samson was stripped of his strength by Delilah, the same woman he divulged his secret to. Then, there were Julius Ceasar, Napoleon Bonaparte, and our very own Ferdinand Marcos whose downfall were brought by their female counterparts. These examples, as few as it may be, are practically enough to dismiss women as nothing more but dead weights that would drown men into the depths of the proverbial ocean. Still, these dead weights seem precious enough for men to kill for.

They say behind every great man is a woman. True enough, the names I have mentioned above indeed had a woman to call their own. Perhaps, these females had the face that can launch a thousand ships or the body that can cower even the most steadfast of soldiers or the resources that can buy the entire planet. Whatever the case, Julius fell for Cleopatra, Napoleon stumbled for Joesephine then Marie Louise, and Ferdie flinched for Imelda.

On the sea, it is foolish to bring along objects of considerable weight, lest we sink to our agonizing demise. But, what exactly eggs us to bring them anyway? We can say anything we want to say of the opposite sex but the fact remains; if we don't want them in our lives, we should have settled for those of the same sex. Whatever that x-factor is, men always fall head over heels for women. and when they do, no tomorrow exists.

In the beginning, there was only Adam. In his solitude, God took a rib from the first man and created Eve. And Adam became happy.

I guess present happiness is way better that future consequences. And on that proverbial ocean, more men come with anvils tied to their waists instead of multi-colored salbabidas.

Lab Hearts 2

Napailing si Rommel sa narinig.

Ang kaniyang kaibigan ay nagawang ilahad ang naguumapaw na pagibig ng walang pasubali. Pero heto siya, nanginginig at tulala. Ni hindi man lang niya magawang magsalita para man lang kamustahin ang babaeng pinapangarap niyang makasama. Gusto niyang maniwala na sapat na ang malagkit niyang pagtitig pero sa kaibuturan ng kaniyang puso, gusto niyang lapitan siya at yakapin ng mahigpit. Pero hindi niya magawa. At hindi niya alam kung bakit.

Isa si Rommel sa “elders” ng barkada. Palibhasa, graduating na siya sa susunod na semester at 2 units na lamang ang kailangan niyang asikasuhin pa. Kung tutuusin, isa na lang ang rason niya kung bakit pa siya nananatili sa unibersidad; iyon ay upang tulungan ang mga kaibigan na nagaaral pa. Taliwas sa kinagisnang buhay ni Elise, laki sa hirap si Rommel. Sa katunayan, kung hindi lang sa problema ng kaniyang pamilya sa pera, noong isang taon pa dapat nakapagtapos si Rommel. Sa kabila ng mga pagsubok na pinagdaanan niya, nanatiling matatag si Rommel. Hindi niya tinuturing na balakid ang mga problemang ito. Ginagamit niya ang mga ito bilang motibasyon para lalo pang pagbutihin ang kaniyang mga ginagawa. Ni minsan ay hindi sumuko si Rommel, isang paguugali na labis na hinangaan ng barkada. Iyon ay kung alam lang nila ang pinakamalaking suliranin na kinakaharap ni Rommel sa ngayon.

Ang buhay pagibig ni “kuya” Rommel ay hindi kasing kulay ng kaniyang buhay pagaaral. Isang beses pa lamang siya nagkakaroon ng nboya at iyon ay noong high school pa lamang siya. Dahil sa kaniyang pagpupursige sa academics, hindi na siya nagkaroon ng oras para romansa. Pero, simula nang makita niya ang kaniyang mga mata, muling tumibok ang animo’y patay nang puso ni Rommel. Nasa ikalawang taon siya noon nang mapasama siya sa barkada. Doon na rin niya nakita ang babaeng pinapangarap niya. Sa unang pagkakataon, naranasan niya ang totoong buhay ng isang collge student: isang buhay na walang permanenteng priority. Nakita niya ang sarili na nagbabasa habang kumakain ng fries sa Mcdo kasama ang barkada habang nakikipagbonding sa babaeng kinahuhumalingan niya. Naging maayos naman ang time allotment ni Rommel. Isa lang ang hindi ayos. Ang patutunguhan ng relasyon nila ng kaniyang minamahal.

Sa loob ng apat na taon, nakuntento si Rommel sa mga simpleng kwentuhan, habang ang kaniyang mga kaibigan ay may mga kayakap na. Hindi naman naasiwa si Rommel. Alam niyang mas kailangan pang pagtuunan ng pansin ang kaniyang mga grado. Pero sa kalooblooban ng kaniyang kaisipan, gusto na niya halikan siya. Madalas sumagi sa isipan ni Rommel ang malambot niyang labi, ang kaniyang balingkinitang katawan, ang kaniyang mahabang buhok, ang mga matang bumihag sa kaniya puso. Ayaw man aminin ni Rommel ang katotohanan, isinisigaw naman ng kaniyang damdamin ang isang pangalan.

Hindi na makapagpigil si Rommel. Kailangan na niyang gumawa ng aksiyon. Hindi siya dapat manahimik habangbuhay. Kung hindi siya gagawa ng paraan, wala siyang mapapala. Sa kadiliman, nagisip si Rommel ng gagawin. Nagplano ng matagal. Nagbasa ng mga libro. Humingi ng payo sa mga “awtoridad ng pagibig.” Sa kaniyang pag-iisa, isang maingay na tunog ang gumambala sa kaniya.

Ten-ten! Ten-ten!

“Dali Rommel pumunta ka na ditto! May problema!”

Isang malakas na alon ang humampas sa mga naglalakihang bato. Kailangan siya ng barkada. Pero dapat niya munang tapusin ang nasimulan. Wala siyang papel na nakita. Kailangang magimprovise.

Agad siyang umalis. At isang kagimbal-gimbal na pangyayari ang tumambad sa kaniyang paningin. Ayaw na niyang pakinggan ang mga salitang lumabas pero hindi ito pinalampas ng kaniyang mga tainga.

“What I’m trying to say is that, I truly, honestly, love you.”

Nagulat si Elise sa narinig. Hindi niya inakalang maririnig niya ang mga katagang iyon sa isang kaibigan. All this time, nakatago ang tunay na nararamdaman para sa kaniya ng taong nakaluhod sa kaniyang harapan.

“I’m sorry. I’m very sorry.”

Dagling tumakbo palayo si Elise. Hindi niya alam kung ano ang sasabihin, kung paano mag re-react. Sa kaniyang pagkaripas, naiwan sa alabok ang isang sugatang puso. Napailing si Rommel sa narinig. Mas lalo pa siyang napailing nang hindi niya makapa sa bulsa ang papel na nagtatago ng kaniyang mensahe. Wala na siyang magagawa kundi ang titigan ang kaniyang babaeng pinapangarap. Ang babaeng tinakbuhan ng kaniyang pangarap.

Muling Napailing si Rommel.

kung wala ka nang maintindihan
kung wala ka nang makapitan
kapit ka sa akin, kumapit ka sa akin
hindi kita bibitawan...


hindi kita pababayaan...



pramis..



******
Watch out for Lab Hearts II coming soon!

Lab Hearts

“What I’m trying to say is that, I truly, honestly, love you.”

Nagulat si Elise sa narinig. Hindi niya inakalang maririnig niya ang mga katagang iyon sa isang kaibigan. All this time, nakatago ang tunay na nararamdaman para sa kaniya ng taong nakaluhod sa kaniyang harapan.

“I’m sorry. I’m very sorry.”

Dagling tumakbo palayo si Elise. Hindi niya alam kung ano ang sasabihin, kung paano mag re-react. Hindi na siya lumingon. At wala na rin siyang balak na pumunta sa lakad ng barkada sa gabing iyon.

Humihingal si Elise. Nakita na lamang niya ang sarili sa isang pamilyar na lugar. Ang tambayan. Umupo siya sa nakasanayang upuan, isang mahabang bench na malapit sa puno ng niyog. Naisip niyang magpalipas oras muna. Maraming mga bagay ang nangyari ngayong araw. Tapos dumagdag pa siya. Napaisip si Elise. Bakit nangyayari sa akin to? Bakit nangyayari sa akin to? Bakit nangyayari sa akin to? Tila walang kawala si Elise. Hindi niya nagawang pumiglas sa mga kadenang nakapulupot sa kaniya. Isang luha ang tumulo. At isa pa. At isa pa. Hanggang sa tuluyan nang bumuhos ang ulan ng kaniyang pagdadalamhati. Hindi na niya kaya pa ang lahat ng ito.

Ten-Ten! Ten-Ten!

May nag-text. Aba, tulad ng inaasahan. Siya nga.

“Elise, I’m really sorry if what I’ve said offended you in anyway. It’s just that, I couldn’t contain my true feelings for you any longer. Sawang-sawa na ako magtiis at maghintay. Hindi mo lang alam kung gaano kahirap ang dinadanas ko habang kasama kita’t hindi ko man lang masabi sa’yo kung gaano kita kamahal. Please, allow me to explain myself. Sana maintindihan mo ako. Bumalik ka na dito please.”

Patlang. Isang malumanay na hikbi ang bumasag sa katahimikan ng dalampasigan. Wala siyang maisip na paraan para maayos ang mga gulong kinakaharap niya ngayon. Heto ang perennial dean’s lister, nakaupo, umiiyak, at walang magawa. Narealize niya na walang maipapayo si Leithold, si Petrucci o kung sino man sa kaniya. Maging ang mga differential equations at theory of relativity walang magagawa sa problemang kinakaharap niya. Oo nga’t maaasahan ang barkada’t hindi lang siya ang miyembro nito, pero alam na rin niya ang sasabihin ng mga ito. Huwag mo nang isipin iyon.

Katangahan. Bakit nga ba iyon ang lagging pinapayo ng mga kaibigan sa’yo? Hindi ba nila naisip na imposibleng hindi isipin ang isang bagay na bumabagabag sa iyo kasi kung ganoon lang kadaling gawin iyon ay bakit pa nga ba ako namomorblema ng ganito? Tuluyan nang nawala sa kailaliman ng dagat ang dating rationalistic na si Elise. At least nalaman niyang tao lang din siya na natitibag ng mga “mabababaw” na bagay tulad ng pagibig. Pesteng pagibig iyan, sambit ni Elise.

Napatingin siya sa lumulubog na araw. Walang duda, Siya na lamang ang makakatulong sa kaniya. Ipinikit ni Elise ang mga mata, taimtim na nanahimik at nagdasal. Lord, tulungan Niyo po ako. Hindi ko na kaya pa ang mga nangyayari. Sobrang nalulungkot ako. Ano ang gagawin ko? Please Lord, help me. Give me a sign.

Inimulat na ni Elise ang mga mata. Tinignan ang environment. Tama ang religious friend niya na si Harold. Hindi maganda na magdasal para lang humingi ng sign. Sa kaniyang pagkasadlak sa kalungkutan, napayuko na lamang si Elise. At sa kaniyang paanan, may nakita siyang 1000 peso bill. Deadma lang si Elise. Laki sa isang masaganang buhay ang dalaga kaya’t wala lang sa kaniya kung makapulot siya ng ganong kalaking halaga. Barya lang iyon sa kaniya kumbaga. Kawawa naman siguro yung nakawala nito. 1k din ito. Pinulot ni Elise ang bill. At sa segundo na hawakan niya ang kuwarta, muli siyang napaisip. Teka, sa hirap ng buhay ngayon, at sa obvious na halaga ng 1000 pesos, napakaunlikely na may makawala ng ganito kalaking halaga nang ganoon lang. Siguro kung kapareho ko ng estado ang nakawala-

Napatigil si Elise. Katangahan nga na mawalan ka ng 1000 pesos dahil nalaglag ito sa bulsa mo pero wala lang naman kay Elise kung mangyari ito dahil may ATM naman siya at credit cards. Isa pa, ano nga ba ang 1000 pesos laban sa halaga ng mga bagay na nagpapasaya sa kaniya. Muling napaisip si Elise. Tao lang siya na nasasaktan, na nalulungot, na umiibig. Hindi siya naiiba sa marami. May karapatan siyang magtampo at umiyak. Pero may karapatan nga ba siyang magalit habangbuhay o manisi ng walang humpay sa kaninoman? Walang taong perpekto. Maari tayong mainis at maasar sa kanila pero mayroon din silang rason para gawin ang mga ginawa nila. Kaya basically, walang pwedeng sisihin. Muling napatunayan ni Elise na tama si Harold. Napakabait nga talaga ni Lord. Gamit ang panyo, pinunas na ni Elise ang mukha, inayos ang sarili, nagtext sandali at umalis na.

Sinalubong siya ng barkada.

“Elise okay ka lang?”

“Kanina ka pa naming iniintay..”

“Magusap mo muna kayo bago tayo umalis.”

“Sna magkaayos kayo. Dapat walang magkaaway sa barkada.”

Alam na ni Elise ang gagawin. Matapang na siya. Marami pang problema ang gumagambala at gagambala sa kanya pero walang mangyayari kung pagsasabayin niya ang lahat ng ito. Dapat, one at a time.

“O sige Erika, I want to hear your explanation,” sabi ni Elise.

aww sheeet

Paano sasabihin sa iyo? Pipilitin ko pa ba?

At paano kung mayroon ka nang iba? Malilihim ko pa ba?


****

Natanong ko sa isang kaibigan kamakailan lang kung paano napapanaginipan ang isang sitwasyon, bagay, tao, atbp. Ayon sa kaniya, ang mga bagay na pilit nating iniiwasang isipin habang tayo ay gising ay madalas magparamdam sa ating pagtulog sa pamamagitan na nga ng mga panaginip.

Shet na panaginip iyan.














***
Argghh. What's this feeling anyway?




***
The reason why people experience emotional pain/depression is because they have or are looking for someone or something to blame for their misfortune.



***
pucha. eto nanaman ako. takte. ooh, stupid jtc and their annoying love songs! curse ye biboy!!!!!!








***
shet, di ako matigil sa pagtype. arrghhh.








[T_T]

cheap frauds

Distance, among all things, is one good tool to disthinguish who among the people you consider friends are the real ones.

Thanks for being so disrespectful. Imbeciles.

blank paper

.
.
.
.
"Romantic love and true love are two entirely different terms, you know?"

"Oh? Paano mo naman nasabi?"

"Once romance dies, it hurts bad. True love on the other hand, cannot die."

"Hmm. Talaga? Parang imposible. Paano kapag me 'true love' ako pero nagpakasal na siya sa ibang tao?

"Well, if it really is true love you're feeling, how come she's marrying someone else?"

"Kasi hindi ako ang true love nya."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"Ewan, move on na lang siguro. Wala naman akong magagawa eh. It's her choice. And ano ang laban ko sa true love di ba?"

"Aba. True love nga. Ni hindi ka man lang nasaktan."

"Oo nga no. Come to think of it, hindi nga."

.

.

.

.
***

[^_^]

schaddenfreude-German term which means taking pleasure form the misery of others.


***
i dunno.

i feel numb.

i shouldn't have believed her in the first place.



***
any females out there interested to be my "best friend?"