angst part 1

"I tried so hard
and got so far..
bit in the end
it doesn't even matter.."
-Linkin Prak, from the song In the end

A N G S T (pt1)

iNTRODUCTION
I am a soldier, a wandering soldier, whoe sole purpose is to carry out the plans laid on me by my superiors. I am a soldier whose destiny remains a mystery, possesing a personality that no one could expect. Though it looks as if I perform my duties without any complaints, the feeling, the emotions that work with me are contrary to what I show to my peers. Everyday, as I perform my daily activities, I constantly wear a mask of false emotions and fake perceptions. I always show to everyone my faith for my General, but deep inside, I rebel with Him. Though his words and commands are for my own good, I ignore them. Though I know that by submitting myself to His irrevocable guidance, I will be in the right direction, I want to take full contol of my life. With this, I find myself questioning His authority over me. All of a sudden, I'm uneasy following his orders. Yet with my spurrned relationship with Him, I try hard to conceal what is really inside. Though I am doing the right thing, the feelings I posses while being of service is negative, and even that cannot escape His watchful eyes. Though my life has been drastically changed for the better, I still feel something missing.


uNDER fIRE
Not so long ago,I find myself on the brink of losing everything..my life..my passion..my loves..my sanity.. I was merely doing what I was supposed to do. But I am only human, and though I try to please everyone around me, I still manage to hurt someone. All of a sudden, I lost track of my peers. I was all alone. Yet, even in my loneliness, my General never leaves me alone. But, my pride was a hindrance to our intimacy. Yes, my only company and I deliberately avoided Him.
I never felt so alone. As I feel the walls of sadness before me, I find myself surrounded with a roaring fire. With all my knowledge in survival in the battlefield, I find myself in a situatio I cannot handle. As I watch the blazing fury envelop me, I almost didn't notice I was shivering. It was an ironic situation: shivering in a circle of hell flames. No, it wasn't beacuse of the heat, but because of the winds of fear-the fear of being all alone. As I await the demise of my sanity, I heard something from within. All of a sudden, I stopped shaking and the roaring flames were miraculously extinguished.

(to be continued)